Surprisingly, A Prayer

When people look at me, they see someone strong. Put together. Got everything figured out. Smart. Has everything laid out for her.

I am proud to be that person. I am proud that I am “able” to be that person. So I really am not denying the fact that I indeed am that person…

Thing is…I get tired…

I have been strong for so many people in my life. And I continue to play that role. I like playing that role. I take pride in taking that role. But sometimes, just sometimes I want to be just me, true to what I am feeling. During those moments of weakness (or plain humanity), I just want to open up and say my fears out loud. Say to the world that I need taking care of sometimes. That I am strong but not really.

And I desperately, desperately want someone to understand exactly what that means.

I don’t mean to say I give up. I like being that strong person please don’t get me wrong. It’s just that, there are times when I just want to uncoil. Relax. Show the fact that I am but human. Imperfect. That I am not strong and independent and put together 24/7. I sometimes just want to have a shoulder to cry on just because… Someone to get tired with. Someone who will hold me and understand and would just let me show how vulnerable I am. Who would listen. Who would understand how tiny and insignificant I am yet at the same time whisper how special I am to him, her, them. I want to be accepted for all that I am, not just a part of me but ME. Nothing chosen, nothing highlighted. Come to think of it, this thought brings a whole new meaning to the line, “I just want to be accepted for who I am.” I’ve heard that a thousand times but it never really resonated as much as it resonates to me now.

I immediately sense when someone pushes me back to be that strong person. I sense when people in my life need and want me to be that person. I sense it. I know they need me that way because it gives them a sense of calm and confidence that I can take care of everything. And when it comes to people I love and value in life, I find myself rising to the occasion.

But I get tired…

I do…

And I get lonely being tired and not being allowed to get tired…no one seems to understand why I get the way I get when I get tired…

And since there is no one willing to indulge me in that tiredness, surprisingly I find myself turning to myself for strength. Then, I find myself turning to Him. Because the truth is, He is the only one who understands exactly why I need to get tired. Because the truth is, I have no one else to get tired with but Him.

But the irony of it all is, whenever I do get tired and I turn to Him, He would tell me to go on being strong because He needs me to carry the cross that he has entrusted to me so lovingly. And I find myself following His bidding…

And I go on…